I got myself ready way earlier than ever that morning. Ironed my red hot chilli pepper baju kurung, getting shower, practising a number of ways to smile and gave up, "just be yourself dins". Smirked. I chose to be real.

This was my first time ever I wore contact lens! (urm i mean the first time to succeed wearing it hehe!) And it was with bang teh's almost-an-hour assistance. Can u imagine how long it took? The ratio of time allocation for a normal user as compared to an amateur is 9:1. Haha K

I asked kakak to groom myself a bit as I refused to look pale or selekeh like in college days. And had some argument because she applied a pink lipstick (!!!! a big no no to me) okay right, never wear lipstick after this

Bang teh managed to mesmerise us all with his handsome black suit, and new haircut he did in Japan seemed to match his outfit very well! Haih insikeyo. Maa looked so pretty and decent AS ALWAYS and tell me how to not love her

Along the way to Klana, my heart did a great job of pounding hard. Seremban.. the familiar places and scenes came in sight to greet me again,

Entering Klana's main lobby was not an easy task. A lot of composure needed to be done. It has been so long since last I met these faces..

One step two step and three. And there was a huge crowd at the outside of the hall. There's someone I was searching for..

"cantiknya!" I turned myself to that voice. Anise!! She smiled prettily at me, oh this one dear girl. We salam and did a little catch up.

As I registered my name, I glanced around slightly. Stopped. And smiled immediately.


Ahhaaa can't believe we had come to this time of wishing farewell to each other, and to our golden youth of college students.. The photography session has joyfully ended.  I loved staring at the bouquet of pretty flowers sold outside the ballroom yet didn't get myself one. Many of my girlfriends did. I don't know, i just don't feel like one maybe because i secretly wished for anybody to surprise me with it or maybe i feel undeserved? Hahh no, maybe i need to get it for myself only when i really want it. It is 40MYR thanks but no thanks. But suddenly, as i walked past the seller, she offered me the last few bouquet. I refused with a smile, and she went "Akak bagi adik ni 10 ringgit je". WOW? WOW! I stopped and picked the bright red roses. Real roses. I sniffed the pure scent while embrace it so tight. My proudly first flower ever, proudly given by me, after all these 20 years of stumble and thrive. Bravo dear self. Alhamdulillah.

My smile lcurved wider as I viewed the scenario at this one side of the hall.

Mak and bang teh were still chatting with them, looking so indulged in the conversation. As soon as i approached them, Mak told me the update of the activity lol. That I HAVE TO FOLLOW THEM AS THEY KINDLY OFFERED TO TAKE ME TO THE HOMESTAY TOGETHER AFTER THE MARA MEETING WHILE MAK WILL GO BACK TO PREPARE SOME STUFF

....which I didnt expect. My pupils widened "Ma are you serious?'
 (have you ever seen your daughter navigate someone to some place in some sense?)

Alright the decision was there. We promised to meet up again later.
Amidst the doubt, I recognised one feeling slowly crept inside...

I looked to the right, left and right again. I made sure nobody can spot me there. I swore my Conan's inner intuition rising to the next level. Because i was looking forward. Waiting for.. a sign? An answer? No words can capture the reason of me floating inside out, of insane heartbeat.

A black car slowly parked infront of DS. A woman waved at me. As soon as I entered the back seat,
"Dini nampak dia tak? Mana pulak abang ni call tak jawab"

And then it started. The conversation led by the lady and the man inside the car. Topic by topic came sliding, until I noticed that feeling silently multiplied within me, again..

He took the front seat hurriedly, with me sitting right behind him. The car started to leave the very familiar compound. And along the way, we talked, nodded our heads, asked, cracked little jokes, glance out of the windows, made gestures, small giggles, short silence, not to mention checking the Waze- which out of all these 739174091th times of using it, decided to not function at that VERY moment!

Hence, I guided the way. I mean I NEEDED to guide the way. I chilled myself though i knew it very well of how blurry was my brain department called MAP! NO WHO GOT TIME TO CHILL. my eyes turned soo round scanning the routes. What should i say oh never know there is a traffic light here wowW what is dat attractive building y everything so unfamiliar now is this dream y u exist waze

.. they giggled softly.
AND ALHAMDULILLAH THAT WAZE KID worked again DO U HEAR ME YEAS

I thought i would be nervous, that my heartbeat bulldozed, that i would feel that extreme awkward-moment, or palpalating, yet surprisingly i was not.

In fact, that feeling which hit me earlier, continued to accompany me all the way.

..of comfort. Of warmth. Of coming back home. Something close and so at ease.

I smiled. I knew the real journey was about to begin.

Yes, it's clear. I found it.

 الحمداللة

****

[earlier that morning, 5am]

I woke up. I sat humbly facing the qiblah.
Oh Allah, after all these while, maybe this is it, maybe this is not. Part of me is certain, a little part of me is otherwise.
So please, let's today be the moment of clarity. Moment to fit the last jigsaw puzzle.
Tell me, show me, Allah..
امين

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